This is the hardest thing I have ever had to write. If I get any more transparent than this, I’m going to become clear. I had to make a joke to ease my nerves before I write this. Forgive me.
On December 15, 2013, I was baptized into the Christian Church and began my relationship with Christ. That day has gone down in my history as the best, most beautiful day of my life. I was only fourteen, but something in my heart knew that it would be the greatest decision that I would make in my life. I always honor that day when it comes around. I call it my "spiritual birthday", and I find myself crying extra on that day. The fact that God sent His only Son down to earth to save me on a "maybe" always wrecks me. Jesus sacrificed His life for me even though there was a possibility that I would never have a desire to know Him. On December 15, 2013, I publicly declared that He was real to me, and I felt the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit with me as I was submerged into the water and raised out. Every day since, I have prayed to grow more aware of His presence and make His heart my home. Almost a year later, in September 2014, I created this blog site. If you take a glance at my previous blog posts throughout the years, you would see my heart to reach God's daughters through my teachings of purity, conquering temptation, and God's unconditional love. On February 21, 2015, I announced to the world that I would commit to living a life of purity and save myself for marriage on my blog post "What My Purity Means". It was my first time engaging with the Bible so deeply, a period of over a month to be exact, and I broke down scripture and presented God's promise to all who read. I had just celebrated my sixteenth birthday. But amidst writing the posts on this blog up to my last entry in October of 2019, I was struggling with a sin so difficult to overcome that I would have never believed that I would be sitting down writing about my story of deliverance from that very sin. I was not committing to a life of purity like I proclaimed I was. I was far from it. Up until December 18, 2019, I was in a 10-year long battle with consuming pornography and indulging in masturbation. I do not know how the door of perversion opened for me. I don't know if it was accidentally clicking on a website or watching a television show or listening to music that glorified it. But it happened, and I dealt with it in silence for years until last December. My Testimony On December 15, 2019, I celebrated my sixth spiritual birthday. On that same day, I was releasing a very special project. A film I had been working on in my college class made its debut to my friends, family, campus community, and so many others that night. It was titled "The Well: Love Ran Red", and the project was about the love stories of two college couples and how the Blood of Jesus glorified and justified their togetherness, and ultimately, ran red on the Cross for them. What people do not know, though, is how that film freed me and was the beginning of my deliverance. From the conversations that were curated for the film to the editing process that took me weeks to perfect, my soul was being stirred and refreshed. Being a single woman creating a film like this, you would think that a little loneliness would creep up and make me sad, but it was the total opposite for me. The stories of April and Deshawn and Victoria and Johnzel gave me hope that God had a Holy Spirit-filled love story for me, but first, there was some heart work that had to be done on the inside of me. I was excited to continue in my singleness and love God better. But two days after the premiere of the film, on December 17, 2019, I fell again. But this time, I could not continue my day like it did not happen. I felt the Holy Spirit so strongly in my room that I had no other choice but to repent. And as I was repenting, the next thing I know, I was on my bedroom floor weeping, begging God to heal me and take the desire to masturbate away. I told Him about my insecurities. I told Him of my doubts that told me I would never be romantically pursued and loved. I told Him of my doubts that told me no love story existed for me. And I told Him, ultimately, how those issues are why I kept falling into that sinful cycle. Indulging in that sin was comfort. It was an escape from my reality. It felt good to be desired in a fantasy because I never had faith that I would be desired in real life. I then heard the voice of God speak over me in that moment and say, "You can not bring this sin into year seven. You can not walk into your next dimension being a slave to this sin. Let Me heal you." I can not tell you how long I spent on my bedroom floor in tears and filled with guilt and shame. I can not tell you how long I laid prostrate before God begging to make me whole. I can not tell you how long I stayed there questioning if I could even be healed but wanting to be so badly. The longest I had ever held out was a month. See, for years, I would fall and then tell God, "I don't think that I can ever be delivered from this". For years, I would google, "Is masturbation a sin?" even though I knew that nothing hidden in the dark and done in secrecy is holy. (And if I had to ask, I already knew the answer.) I would say to myself, "At least you're not actually having sex". I'd try to convince myself that as long as I wasn't having sex with somebody's son, then I was still walking in purity — even with this sin attached to me. For years, I knew that this was not pleasing to God, but I would do it anyway because of the grace that would be waiting for me after I fall. I took advantage of grace so many times. Every time I took advantage of His mercy, I broke His heart. But like a perfect and holy God, in my day of repentance, He did not close the door on me. Instead, He promised me a hope and a future, called me His beautiful and beloved daughter, and vowed to make me complete in Him if I would say, "Yes". I agreed to His offer of healing, and these past seven months have been the most transformative, liberating journey of restoration in my life. Four days after my repentance, on December 21, 2019, I entered into a fast that, unknowingly at the time, would last two months. Before I released "The Well", I knew that I wanted to go into a fast over the Christmas break up until the new year. But, at the time, it was with a heart to hear from God about my next project. But, the faithful and man of His word God that He is, He used that fast to deal with me — not my works. I fasted from social media and secular music until my twenty-first birthday, February 16, 2020. I chose social media and secular music for a couple of reasons, but here is the most simplest way to put it. I chose social media because I needed to disconnect and make lots of room for alone time with Jesus in order for me to heal. Secular music was an easy second because I was instructed to be very mindful of what I listened to and consumed. Content was not a part of my fast, but I was instructed to be very mindful of what watched. I will never forget that while I was home for Christmas, my family rented Best Man Holiday to watch as a family, and I absolutely love that movie — a Christmas favorite, actually, but I would take "bathroom breaks" every time a scene was approaching that I knew would trigger me. In order for me to be healed, I had to take the process very seriously or I was bound to fall again. And I did not want to miss out on what awaited for me in my next dimension of faith. With that being said, I must add that just as much as God knew how committed I was to being resurrected from the perversion, the devil knew as well. The first month was very hard. But for each time that temptation rose, God would bring to remembrance the future that He showed me when I laid on my bedroom floor surrounded by my tears and brokenness. I would not let myself go back to navigating the dark places of sexual perversion and being bound there. I had to be free. I longed to be free. It was my only option, and having that heart is what moved me to keep my gaze on Heavenly things, take my Heavenly seat, and starve my flesh. What also kept me was opening my mouth. The devil will make you believe that what you battle with is better to be fought alone. The devil will place shame in your heart because of it while God is ready to embrace it and help you overcome it. "As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:12. One night during the Christmas break, in the first days of my fast, God allowed the most special moment between my Dad and I to take place. Earlier in the night as a household, my family had a very intimate conversation about some personal things that were happening in our family. Breakthrough happened, and I was overcome with emotion - so much that my Dad would not leave my bedside until I went to sleep. As he sat there beside my bed, I felt the Holy Spirit tell me to confide in my father about what I was on a mission to overcome. My Dad and I have a very close relationship. He has always been open with me about his life before being called to marriage and ministry. In that moment, God was telling me to stop struggling in silence, but my mind was calling me crazy for even considering to let anyone — let alone a parent — be in the know about this "shameful" sin I was confronting. I overcame my fear and told my Dad the basic information of my struggle (because I was still so nervous to say anything at all) and the greatest revelation happened. My Dad began to tell me about the lustful struggles that have taken root in our family for generations. This thing I was struggling with was generational. It was a generational sin that I was entangled in. Everything made sense of why this sin had been so present in my life. It was a leech, and now, I would be the one to kill it. At that moment I knew that this journey of restoration would be bigger than me. It was my bloodline at stake. I decided to heal not only for myself, but for my future children, grand children, and great-grand children. And, also, I do not want to take this into my future marriage. The best part of this two-month fast — even better than saying goodbye to the toxicity that social media can be and expanding my Gospel playlists — was being presented with a mirror to see every area of my heart that did not look like His. Debunking Purity Culture I began to see the threatening relationship I had with purity culture. I use the word "threatening" because I had placed so much of my identity in my purity instead of in Christ. That is a scary place to be. My family never influenced my purity journey at all. It was me who became so captivated with it. I prayed for my future husband more than I spoke to Heaven about myself. I was nowhere near ready to be a wife like I thought I was. I am still not at a place where I believe I am ready for that covenant, just yet. There is so much heart work that still needs to be done. God showed me a time in college when I almost fell into sex, and I told one of my friends that if I would have done it, I would carry depression on my heart and never forgive myself. Condemnation does not reside in God's heart. I had a Gospel issue. I could not believe that His heart would be so grand for me, so open for me, and so forgiving of me. And while I still believe in the Biblical statue of purity and the importance to live up to the Kingdom standard when it comes to relationships, God has had to debunk so many false narratives I had written onto my heart. Here's three:
My Story of Overcoming What has kept me — especially since ending the fast? 1. Prayer - Want God more than you want to fall. Shameless plug, but shout out to the leadership team of the Passion Prayer Unit at Morehouse College. The people attached to that ministry are my family, and they have been my midwives in this season to help me push deeper into God's presence. I became a part of the leadership team in February of this year, but in no way did I feel good enough to help usher others into prayer when I was still learning the ropes. In the past 7-9 months, I have become so much more intimate with Jesus. Communing with Him has been essential to my healing. Being a part of the Passion Prayer community has made me a bolder intercessor not only for my peers, but for myself. I've learned how to ask God to keep me from me. PPU will never know just how much their prayers over me aided in my healing from the first time I entered in Danforth Chapel to our final service before the COVID-19 outbreak. God was so strategic and mindful of me when He had me cross paths with the ministry on that chilly Thursday night in October. 2. Good company - Speaking of community, let me tell you a little secret: Get you some good company. If I did not confide in my close friends about my struggles, I would not have had anyone to hold me accountable. We have a code word in our group chat where if any of us use it, we automatically shower each other with encouragement and prayer to keep carrying on. I am sure that I could not have healed in silence. I thank God for my sisters who make me feel safe. 3. Having a disciplined spirit - Let me make this clear as day: I still have desires. I still get tempted. Just because I am healed does not mean that the temptation has gone away. I have to fight every day to stay above water. I am desperately in need of God every hour, every second, and every minute. I need more of Him, actually. So, with that being said, I still know my triggers and acknowledge them fully. When I finished my fast on my birthday, nothing about my mindfulness changed. When I got back on social media, I unfollowed accounts that did not serve my spirit well. I muted certain language on Twitter. When I streamed my favorite R&B hits after months of only listening to Maverick City, Music, Tasha Cobbs-Leonard, and Psalmist Raine, I had to take a few off of the playlist that would bring me back. I still walk in discipline today. This will be a life-long journey for me. I battled this thing for a decade. I'm going to be in need of God for the rest of my life. Also, one of my favorite songs that became a staple for my healing was “Refiner” by Maverick City Music. The entire song is written as a petition to God to burn every thing out of us that do not mirror Him. The lyrics “burn me beautiful, burn me lovely, burn me righteous, burn me holy” has been my heart’s cry throughout this entire journey. And, for a resource, an article about Jesus as the refiner’s fire helped me understand why such prayers are spoken about being burned and the need for walking into the refiner’s fire. It is titled "He Is Like a Refiner's Fire" by John Piper dated November 29, 1987. A screenshot of this article has been the wallpaper on my phone’s home screen since, I believe, January. The specific text from the article that lives on my home screen says this:
I also would like to share a few resources that helped me overcome:
Divine Appointment December 17, 2019 will now go down in my history as the second best, most beautiful day of my life. July 18, 2020 made seven months since being restored. And on that night, God gave me a vision of women being attached to a community I would begin called “Her Divine Purpose”. I began seeing how God could potentially use my story to help heal women back in the early stages of my deliverance when I encouraged a friend who confided in me about her struggles. But on the seventh month mark, as I tried to sleep, God showed me a logo design for the community. Mind you, I forgot that the date was my seventh month anniversary. It slipped my mind all day. Before I knew it, dawn was approaching outside of my window. When I woke up for church the next morning, God instructed me to create the Facebook group. Then, the next day, on July 20, 2020, God told me that it was time to release my testimony. Before I could even wrestle with it, God showed me that July 20th made seven months since committing to the fast that aided in my healing. The next day, July 21, made seven months since beginning the fast that helped heal me, and now I would begin fasting on how to release this testimony for the healing of other women. The choice of sacrifice? God told me to give up every drink but water. God’s love has been a well that has never run dry for me, so it made perfect sense. I needed His Living Water to help me tell this story in the way that He would see pleasing to Him. Do you notice all of these number seven’s I’m pulling out? May I add that this is my seventh year in my relationship with God. Biblically, the number seven is the number of completeness. It is known that after seven days the whole world was completed and God has done his work.
So, as you can see, God has instructed me to write this now at this appointed time, and as I began to write this entry, the first few paragraphs were written nervously and fearfully. I feared what people would think — if I would be named a hypocrite for not practicing what I preached throughout the years. But as I come to an end in writing this testimony, I have a strong feeling that the releasing of this testimony will help heal more women than I could ever imagine. I am glad to not keep it to myself anymore. So, yes. I am a Christian woman who has struggled with pornography and masturbation. This particular struggle for women is not commonly discussed in God’s Church, but it should be. And I will spend the rest of my life making sure that it is — telling my story of His Glory and testifying in strength and courage about how He restored my life as a response to a simple, yet life-changing “yes”. Until my final breath, I will remind God’s daughters that being a slave to this sin is not the only option; I am the evidence. It has been seven months since I have been washed clean from this sin. I am finally whole. I am finally complete. I am finally free. And so is my future bloodline. The curse ended with me. You’re next. God, thank You so much for being so faithful to me. I do not, for one moment, deserve the magnitude of grace that you have gifted me with. Your Love is so deep; I will never understand it or find the adequate words to describe it. In the name of Jesus, I pray that You give every woman that comes across this post a sensitive ear to Your voice that calls them out of the sin they have made a home in, just as You have given me. Help her find satisfaction in You and only You. Strengthen her self-control, and make her abundant in it. Overflow her heart with Heaven’s secrets about her life. Give her new eyes to see herself in the way that You see her and a new heart that reflects Yours. I declare and decree that the years of slavery are over. Help her come out of every thing that has a hold on her, Jesus. I declare an eternal freedom to be her portion, not sexual immorality or any other sin that keeps her captive and deprives her of her Heavenly seat. There is no sin too ugly that You can not heal. I break the shame off of her back, now. I declare a supernatural healing to begin rising in her soul and shake every shackle off. In Jesus’ Name, Amen. "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." — Psalm 73:26 #HeavenlySeatedYear #HerDivinePurpose
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