Abba, I love you.
It's this love... this love that continues to pursue me is what calms every fear and declares them to flee. Over the holiday break I've been confronting fears that have tried to consume me. Towards the end of 2017, I was in a much better place than I was last year, for sure. The 2016 holidays for me were spent in isolation and depression because I had tried to force "yes" to God's purposeful "no". Therefore, I ended up heartbroken, and I went into the New Year trying to seek healing and peace from a relationship that was never meant to escalate past friendship. I opened my heart to someone who my heart was never meant to be shared with. I went into 2017 with not only a broken heart, but also a strayed heart from Abba. I have been waiting on God since 14. I chose the love of Christ above man. I chose to dwell in the covering of Abba, and I have been single, choosing purity, since I joined my life with Him. I find this waiting beautiful and intimate, but it does become difficult at times. The spirit of loneliness arises and tries to consume me. Wonder is something that always ventures to me. My experience last year left me heartbroken because I was vulnerable, and when I saw that someone was actually interested in me, I was so excited. I had been longing for a relationship since I knew truly what love is and how to love. He was the first one who had shown interest in me since I renewed my life. I was too blinded by that that I refused to see what God desired for me in His will. I tried to make it work with him. I wanted it to work. I wanted to finally have someone. But it wasn't time, and he was not the person. But before I could realize that, my heart was already open. I had already made him mine in my heart. And I put more trust on him than I did on God. (ooooo girl, why?) I wasn't in a good place after that. The beginning of 2017 was learning how to forgive myself for walking outside of Abba's Will and how to move forward in my ministry of singleness with God. Being in college now, my faith has been challenged and I have felt alone many times in my spiritual journey, especially in the wait. Relationships are everywhere, literally. I had friends dating, I had classmates dating, like, everybody was dating but me. Satan began playing with my mind. I began thinking to myself, "am I pursuable? am I worthy of being loved? am I even lovable?" But Satan, I rebuke you. I rebuke you in the name of Jesus. For years, I've identified with being the friend who is always single, but gives amazing spiritual advice. I've identified with that person so much that I began to wonder if I will ever be pursued like Christ pursued the Church, or will I always be bound to receiving phone calls that begin with, "girl, I need your help". After my heartbreak in 2016, I began asking God why is everyone else dating but me. I would say "I'm living a life of purity... I'm being faithful... I know that Christ deserves to be at the center of it all, so why am I out here lonely while there are some who don't even know you or even acknowledge you are walking around in relationships?". But what I had to realize is that just because I am faithful to God does not mean He owes me anything. For being faithful to God, I receive God. I had to re-learn that He is enough and always will be enough because I deserve death for all the sins I commit daily, so let me encourage you not to be that believer who thinks that God owes them something. No, love. You receive Him. You receive the precious gift of Jesus Christ, the Messiah. GLORY TO GOD. You have to get to a place in your purity where you can acknowledge this: "God, if you call me to a life and ministry of singleness, I will be okay because I have You, and You are enough." Honestly, once I declared that a few weeks ago, I've had a sense of peace over my future. I continue to pray over my future husband (and by prayer I mean real deal, writing journals and praying over his spiritual journey).... and wait with a heart of expectancy because once I became born again I joined my heart with Abba's, so my spiritual desires are His... but instead of feeling like the future lover of my soul is so distant, I feel that he is near. Not physically (but I mean, who knows).... but I mean spiritually. I've been trying to release my doubt.... trust God more than I trust my doubts. I know that I am lovable, but it indeed has been a fear I have been dealing with, and I conquer it by remembering the love of my Lord, He whom gave His life for mine. If anything, I know that I am pursuable because Abba pursued me relentlessly. I am entering into 2018 declaring that my fears are no more. Love will find me because love found me. in the natural and the spiritual... I'm worthy of it all. Encouraging you all to wait on God is a big part of my ministry. Wait because God waited for you, and you see how glorious that was. You see the gift you received by being unfaithful, so imagine the gift for your faithfulness. Wait with expectancy, but with heart to know that no one will ever love you, pursue you, and value you like Christ. Ladies, your future husband will be a reflection of that love but will never be the love that died for you. Stop pursuing a relationship more than you pursue Christ. Because it will be the love of Christ that guides your future relationship because his love and your love will simply never be enough. Men, pursue her wholeheartedly. Be intentional about her.... never have her questioning your intentions. Abba, I love you. I know that you are not moved by time. You could care less what year it is. But you do care that I continue to die daily and walk faithfully in our covenant. And I will, forever and always. And as for my fears, I choose surrender. And I will choose surrender over and over again to receive Your love. I trust you, but I am imperfect. Strengthen me, Jesus. I know you will come like the morning's sunrise... like the sweet fragrance of a new year. Hey 2018. Scriptures to Meditate On: When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy. Psalm 94:19 The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18
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