Writing was once my outlet. I allowed this space to serve me on my journey with Jesus. But now, I catch myself being so caught up with life— trying to figure out adulthood, balance college life and academics, be involved in many things on my college campus, working a job, serving my church and my community, and keeping Jesus first above it all. I often find myself questioning God more than I ever have these days.
I’m an analyzer, and sometimes, I over analyze. I try to figure out God, especially when seasons feel dry, like the one I’m currently in. I wonder how many Christ followers are able to unmask themselves, walk in transparency, and not only reply “God is good” when asked how they’re doing, but can also admit “I’m struggling”. I am one of the few. Yes, I see God moving around me. My faith isn’t unstable. Yes, I know that God is a provider, and He is a Father who is strategic and specific when it comes to me, but what if I still feel empty with the blessing? What if I can usually hear God, but this time, His voice is a little muffled? What if, even though God has shown up for me in many ways this week, I still feel depressed? What if He has called me to nations, and have positioned community around me, but I still struggle with loneliness? Is my heart lacking thanksgiving? And then God answered... at a prayer session on my college campus Thursday night. No, my heart is not lacking thanksgiving. It’s lacking position. There is this divine idea that God hides you in seasons, where He has put a limit on who has access to you. God knows how I can get in these times. I question everything. God, where are You? What are your plans with me? I feel alone. Surrounded. Guarded. Like, just let me out Jesus. Let me have what my heart desires. Aren’t my desires good? I’ve prayed for them. Fasted for them. I sought You first with them. So why do You have me out here looking crazy? Feeling like my hopes are a far fairytale, like my deepest prayers are just sitting. Still. Distant. Rare. And I know it seems crazy. The girl who is always posting her love letters to Jesus, writing encouraging messages on her Instagram story, the girl posting devotionals and scriptures and spontaneous worship, having issues with faith. You’d think everything’s all good in my hood. But God is not an aesthetic. It’s a relationship, and it’s hard. Dying to yourself daily to embrace God’s dreams for you, is hard. Trading your desires for His, is hard. But it’s all about heart posture. Alignment, for a better word. This hidden season is intentional, if you’re going through it like myself. Maybe He wants me away from the noise to give me those answers I’ve been seeking. I know that God is a jealous God, and often I find myself seeking His throne for my desires rather than seeking Him for Him. And often I also forget that this life is not mine. It’s all for the Glory of God, so I really have to turn away from self. So, God is definitely not an aesthetic. It’s wholehearted submission. Its crazy faith, the confidence that He knows what’s best for you— because truly, He does. It’s selflessness, despite feeling unheard. It’s trust, even when it hurts and you don’t understand. It’s surrender, even when pain feels better and doubt has convinced you to keep your burden yours. I’ve served broken. I’ve prayed for others while battling spiritual warfare in myself. I’ve called people to check on their spirit after mine had collapsed. Just because seeing and hearing victories in others brought a little faith that I would too, come out of this thing victorious. Most faithful God, if my desires don’t serve You in this season, I can wait. Perfect Father, if you need me alone for a while to speak to me, I won’t force it any other way. I can listen. Gracious God, if I am not on one accord with You, please realign my posture. I have to see You, hear You, feel You. Because I can’t block Your move. Help me to stay still, stay on fire, stay present in Your presence. God, just help me in this season. I know I’ll look back and see the Glory. It’ll all align, somehow. Just, help Jesus. Help me return home. Homeroom. With you. “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.” Isaiah 43:2 Even when times are rough and you are in "deep waters" God will be right by your side, leading and guiding you through your worst. “My grace is sufficient for you.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 When everything around us seems to fail and we even fail ourselves, God's grace doesn't fail. His grace is enough to support us in all our brokenness.
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